You wake up one morning and the life you knew yesterday no longer exists. You don’t realize it yet, but you will as soon as you look out your window to the bloodied, chaotic streets below, or turn on your television and see the reports.
Zombies have invaded your town. The apocalypse has really come.
Are you prepared?
Recent news has included multiple accounts of people-eating-attacks not committed by our garden variety cannibalists. What sets these attacks apart is the unresponsiveness of the subject and incapability of human speech and logic, paired with a seemingly inhuman strength, in some cases, and the need to not only eat other human beings, but the foregoing of using utensils to do so. Zombies crave human flesh like cannibalists, but lack the sophisticated mind and motor skills to use a proper fork and knife.
Rumor in the ZPoc (Zombie Apocalypse) circuit is that the government is well aware of the impending rise of the brain munchers and is doing it’s best to cover it up. The Zombie Prep Network, an organization believing wholeheartedly in this conspiracy, states that zombie attacks are likely caused by a condition named “excited delirium,” which has been studied by scientists for nearly 150 years, and specifically by the University of Miami, for the last 10 years. According to the Network‘s Chief Science Officer, toxicology reports have proven that the cannibalistic murders we’ve seen this year in Florida, Maryland and Pennsylvania were, in fact, not caused by drugs as we initially believed, although excited delirium is a condition exacerbated by the use of hallucinogenic drugs. The Network also stresses that it does not believe the ZPoc is in any way related to 12/21/2012 apocalypse theories, but that it will be a result of scientific experiments gone wrong or else some kind of virus spreading vector that results in mass infection. Zombies, modernly defined by the Network‘s team of scientists, are “mindlessly aggressive humans or reanimated corpses… driven by an infection -biological, pharmacological, technological or otherwise.” Because of the fact that at least attacks by drug induced and biologically created zombies have been brought to light, it is important we know how to survive should these not be isolated incidents, but the beginning of the end.
Various organizations have begun to take the idea of a Zombie Apocalypse seriously. From the federal government, we have seen measures taken in the form of a message written by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention under their Public Health Matters Blog. This message contains suggestions for items you will need in case of a zombie outbreak and also outlines what the CDC’s emergency response will be in case the ZPoc does occur. They will mostly be focused on infection control and mining for a cure, so in the meantime, your survival is up to you. To address this, survival courses are being taught across the nation. A ZPoc survival lecture was given at the University of North Texas by Max Brooks, author of the acclaimed Zombie survival novel World War Z. A private security firm, HALO Corp., founded by former Special Operations, National Security, and Intelligence personnel, in California, announced in September, to the Military Times, that it will be conducting “zombie-apocalypse training exercises for about 1,000 military personnel, police officials, medical experts, and federal workers during an annual counter-terrorism summit.” We have a chance to learn survival methods here in the garden state, as the New Jersey Firearms Academy has already begun hosting three hour “interactive Zombie Apocalypse survival courses” in which they will teach you not only to handle weapons for offense and defense, but also the art of blending in with the zombie population if you are stuck in a tight spot. These NJFA courses are FEMA/CDC certified survival courses.
If you are unable to attend any ZPoc survival lectures or courses, never fear! Here are the 8 commonly agreed upon necessities, according to the CDC and John Hornor Jacobs, author of This Dark Earth, another leading novel about zombie survival.
1. Running Shoes. Zombies are referred to as the “Walking Dead” because they lack the coordination to run after you. You will not survive if you cannot run.
2. Food. A diet high is protein and B-vitamins to provide you with the energy you will need to be vigilant.
3. A “Headknocker.” In a poll of Rider University students, when asked the most useful item in case of a zombie attack, 64% responded that they would choose a gun of some sort. This is not the choice that will keep you alive. A gun will make killing noisy which will in turn attract a horde of zombies to your location. You will be much better off with an aluminum bat, crowbar, hatchet, or even a 2x4 you find in the garage. Anything that you can use to destroy the brain silently, and without having to reload, will be your best bet.
4. Wet Wipes. These should be a part of a larger first aid kit. All kinds of bacteria will be an issue with the tons of rotting flesh walking around trying to eat you. You will want to sanitize yourself as thoroughly as possible after every encounter to avoid contracting some kind of disease, zombie infection or otherwise.
5. Water. No human can survive without it and with the amount of running and fighting you will be doing, the recommended 8 servings of 8 ounces will no longer suffice. Every person should have at least a gallon per day.
6. Thick Clothing. You want to wear leather or other thick knits that will be difficult for a zombie to nibble through.
7. Defensible Position. Depending upon the severity of your situation, you may want to find this first and worry about food and water later. Aim for a building made of bricks and without many windows. Absolutely avoid gathering places like retail outlets- they will be nothing but meat markets for zombie foes.
Lance Corporal William Harris of the United States Marine Corp has four years of experience in the infantry platoon, surviving enemy contact and conquering the wild of Iraq and Afghanistan. Lcpl. Harris says his plan is to find a boat that he can live off of, but if that is not possible, he recommends staying “out of sight and out of mind.” Zombies lack motor skills for climbing and so Lcpl. Harris would take his weapons of choice, a bow and arrow and a katana, and find a defendable high ground.
8. Pistol. As we know, the pistol is not for killing zombies. It will only attract more. This pistol is for the unfortunate event that you are bitten. Jacobs suggests taking yourself out so that your loved ones will not have to.
Should the Zombie Apocalypse be upon us, remember these eight necessities and you will have a fighting chance.
Always yours in zombie survival,
Sade "Sunny" Calin
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